A Call to Arms…

“We've made too many compromises already; too many retreats. They invade our space and we fall back. Not again. The line must be drawn here! This far, no further! And I will make them pay for what they've done.”

Wow, who said this? What right-wing neocon issued this call to arms against Islamofascism and its’ creeping influence world wide? Was it some military commander, in the trenches, tired of having his men blown apart while the American media and the Democratic party call for withdrawal and appeasement? Or was it some European who just woke up to the fact that Europe is over-run with fundamentalist Muslims, intent on abolishing the existing rule of law, implementing Sharia law and a new Muslim caliphate across Europe?

None of the above.

It’s a quote from Capitan Jean-Luc Picard from the Star Trek movie First Contact in 1996. He’s talking about the Borg (definitely not Swedish) invasion and how it has to be stopped. At all costs.

Rock on Jean-Luc.

Sprechen Sie Deutsches?

This is something that I had posted on Yahoo 360. In retrospect, it's not very good, but I do have to wonder what the hell I was thinking when I typed this.

Sorry, nothing very witty today. And so, instead of dragging you down into the spiraling depths of despair that I’m suffering, I thought that we could talk about something else today. Unless, of course, you want me to publicly flog myself so you could feel better about yourself. If so, I’ll be more than happy to help you out.

Now just WTF is that last part about? I mean, really, you want me to drag out the minutia of my life and agonize over it in a public forum just so you can feel better about yourself? What kind of friends are we? Do you sleep better at night when you see me crashing to the ground in flames? Oh, I see, I get the pain and you get the pleasure. Well, that sure as shit sounds fairly equal to me. Just let me know when you’re down in the dumps so I can laugh at you, ok? That’s what friends are for, right? Oh, I’m sorry, that’s what family is for. Never mind.

What do you want to talk about? Hum, hum? You there, in the back, please speak up. Yes, I’m talking to you. No, I don’t care that you’re just here “auditing” the course. Its’ audience participation day and it’s time for you to step up to the plate. Yes, yes, I know that you’re hung over and the dog ate your brain and you’ve never amounted to anything in your life, but for once, please take your finger out of your nose, get up off your ass and let’s talk about something. You see, conversations, just like telephones, work best when used both ways. I can continue to sit here and pontificate away, but without any feedback from you, my gentle readers, I have no fucking idea what you’re thinking about and what you think about what I’m saying.

Ok, ok, I know its’ Friday and you’re just trying to hold on until the whistle blows and then you’re outta here, down to the local watering hole to get all liquored up and hopefully do the old bump and grind with some stranger, so I won’t tax you too much. So we won’t talk about anything too deep or meaningful, ok? Does that make you feel better? I can hear the deep sighs of relief.

Hummm, what to talk about, what to talk about… I’ve got it! Let’s talk about immigration. Now, before we get too far into this, for disclosure purposes, I do have to admit that my maternal grandparents and my paternal great-grandparents were immigrants. We’ve actually found their names on the lists from Ellis island and have our family trees going all the way back to some barren pieces of sod in Scotland and Ireland.

One of the things that I read in the last few months really put this into perspective for me. Did you know that one of the Fathers of our country was very concerned about immigration? Not just one of the Founding Fathers, but the legendary Ben Franklin himself. And do you know who Ben Franklin was all up in arms about? Advocating immigration quotas against them and saying that their influence would bring about the destruction of the American way of life? Germans. Yup, that’s right, Germans. Dear old Ben was up in arms about the numbers of Germans that were immigrating to America. Now, at the time, I’m sure it seemed that the Germans were just swarming ashore in never ending waves, but in retrospect, it seems that we weathered that storm well enough, don’t you think? Aside from the fact that we all speak German, wear lederhosen and named the 10^th month of the year after an ancient German holiday (hello? Oktoberfest?), we really cannot discern any impact that these immigrants had on us at all.

Now, for those of you still with me (I know that history is boring, but I put a nice spin on it, don’t you think?), let’s summarize a little bit. In the 1790’s it was the Germans, in the late 1800’s and early 1900’s it was the Italians, Irish, the Chinese, and whoever else came ashore at that time. Actually, they have found that every 20 – 50 years America has experienced waves and waves of immigrants. And you know what else is interesting? After every single one of those waves the economy expanded, people were wealthier and the Nation didn’t implode.

So, now it’s the Mexicans. At least that group is the poster child for the current immigration debate. Because there are a lot of other people coming into this country that are not just Hispanic, believe you me. Look at the Indians (from India, not the reservation, you moron), who are becoming more and more prevalent every day in the computer industry and accounting. So it’s not just the Hispanics that are stealing our jobs, unless, of course, you’re a landscaper, and then yes they are and you’re shit out of luck.

Let’s talk about the economy for a moment. If you take the rate of expansion of our economy, project it out 20 – 30 years, and then take into account our birth rate, you’ll see that we are not generating enough little people internally to fill all of the jobs that are going to come up in the future. Not only that, we’re not generating enough people to fill all of the current jobs that are going to open up when the baby boomers retire. So, not only can we not fill current jobs, we’re not going to fill up jobs created in the future. I can go on and on about inflationary pressures, wages growth, unemployment rates, etc. etc., but I think you get the picture.

History has shown us that for the last 200 + years, America has experienced waves and waves of immigration, and not only has it taken all of these people in, it’s actually prospered from it. So just calm down, relax for a while and have Carlos get you another drink before he finishes your lawn.

Miniature Donkeys

Ok, so we’ve had auditors up for the last few days, which has really been a pain, since I’ve actually had to work for the last week or so. Poor me.

Leading up the audit, I was exchanging e-mails with the auditors and found out that one of them, Jeanette, really had a really good sense of humor. I’ll spare you some of the jokes, because unless you’re a corporate accounting geek, it’ll all sound like Greek to you. But, never the less, this girl had a sense of humor, which always scores big points with me.

Anyway, the first day that they are here, we take them out to lunch and pretend that we’re all getting along famously. During the course of conversation Jeanette lets loose with the fact that her husband wants to get a donkey. Now, they live in Texas, which, while I’m throwing that out there and I’m not really sure that explains the whole donkey thing, but it is Texas and you never really know what goes on down there.

So Jeanette is going through this whole story and then breaks out that her husband would be willing settle for a miniature donkey that they could let sleep in their bed.

Hold the phone here a minute. A miniature donkey that sleeps in your bed? WTF?

There is no way that I would ever let anything with hooves sleep in my bed. The last thing I need is for Pedro the miniature donkey to start having a dream about running when I’m sleeping and my Mr. Baby Maker is unprotected, if you know what I mean. Do I really want to be in the position where the only thing between my beans and frank and a pair of failing hooves are my boxer shorts and the bed sheet? I didn’t have to go to Harvard to figure that one out.

There are few things that humans have miniaturized that actually turned out better than the original. For example, the Mini Cooper, that’s good. Mini three musketeer candies, those are really good. Mini DVD players so I can watch porn while waiting in the airport? Those I consider a home run.

Mini donkeys? Miniature schnauzers and collies? Bad ideas. If God had wanted these, he would have made them. I don’t know what mad Nazi scientist came up with these, but he should be shot if he hasn’t been already. Just because we can tinker with the natural order of things doesn’t necessarily mean that we should.

Now, on the other hand, if they could figure out a way to miniaturize my boss, so I could lock him away in my filing cabinet, I might be willing to listen to that.

In case you didn’t get it, the title is from Shrek. How do you like miniaturized text? It sucks doesn’t it? See, big text is fine, but this teeny tiny text sucks the big wazoo, doesn’t it? Point made.

“One hundred years of racism. It's not going to go away."

Rev. Wright, National Press Club, 04/28/08.

Now, I know, that as an accountant, I’m not supposed to work with numbers unless I have my calculator firmly in hand. But, if you’ll indulge me for a second, let’s look at this statement by Rev. Wright. First, notice the date. April 28^th, 2008. Ok, so, according to the good Rev’s statement, racism in America stated 100 years ago. Now, if I’ve done the math correctly, that would indicate that Rev. Wright believes that racism started in American around 1908.

I’m sure that Abraham Lincoln will be happy to hear that. And, to quote Rev. Wright, did all those American’s that died in the civil war “die over a lie”?

I’m referencing an article that is on the Wall Street Journal’s web site. In the article it reports that Rev. Wright stated that “…that criticisms of his provocative sermons, and questions about his patriotism, were "an attack on the black church."”.

Well, not actually, Rev. Wright, but good job trying to deflect the real issue here. All the criticism was directed at you, not the black church. Nice try in attempting to say that it’s all our fault for not understanding you, rather than taking responsibility for what you actually said. It interesting really, when you look at it, because rather than defend what he said, he’s attacking us for our interpretation of his words. Or, more importantly, rather than apologize for his comments and how they were interpreted, he’s blaming us for our supposed ignorance of “black liberation theology” and saying that any attacks upon his comments are basically racist.

Now, I would like you to think about what Don Imus said and what happened to him, and then consider what the Rev. Wright has said and done. Do you think the punishment in these two cases has been just and equal? Don Imus, lost his job for months and months at the cost of millions of dollars of income. Just under one month later, Rev. Wright is out on the liberal talk circuit, getting cream puff interviews and being cheered as he essentially continues to drive wedges between the races.

Hey, do me a favor, and go out to vote for Obama. Because if he is elected, Rev. Wright has pledged “"I'm coming after you (Obama).'' The minister said he had issues with U.S. policies.”. Good luck with uniting the races if this nut bag is one of the advisors in the White House.

You know, you just have to love it. Obama says he’s not going to let his White House be run by lobbyists, but this fucking idiot is going to get a free pass inside anytime he wants. Perfect, just fucking perfect.

The long weekend surrounded by women

I used to think that one of the ways to improve society was to implement some of the practices from Sparta. I used to say that we should take all of the youth out of the cities when they are young, place them out on some farm in the Midwest, and teach them all about the value of hard work, dignity and the value of human life.

I used to think that before I had teenage daughters.

Now, I think the best way to help society is if someone takes me out to some farm and isolates me for a few years away from the rest of my family. You know, just until my girls reach their mid 20’s or something like that. You could bring my son along. All that we need to make him happy is some hard work, golf a few times a week and an Xbox 360.

I have no idea what it takes to make my girls happy. And frankly, I’m too scared to ask. I pity the poor fools who are going to marry these two, but I can’t wait until them come along and take them off my hands.

I understand that the Queen has decided to honor my eldest daughter with a new honorific, which is abbreviated as H.R.B., for Her Royal Bitchyness. I love both of them to death, but they truly are HRB’s.

I’m beginning to understand the fondness for bondage that some people have, because I think that they all have teenage girls at home as well. Think about it. With my daughters, no matter what I do, I’m screamed at, told what an idiot I am and then punished for whatever it is that I did, until some arbitrary point where they’ve decided that I’ve served enough for my transgression. Sound familiar anyone?

I’ve also grown to understand the time honored tradition of the dowry, and paying someone to take your little princess off your hands. In America today we’ve replaced dowry payment with something called “tuition” and “higher education”. Whatever. All I know is that I’m actually looking forward to going into debt for several hundreds of thousands of dollars, just so I can have a little piece and quiet at home.

Yo, Air Force! You're welcome

A little motivational poster I did for the Air Force over at mobuck.com.

Note to Employees

When you’re out on disability due to “mental health” reasons, it’s best not to post on your myspace.com page that you’re currently working somewhere else.

True story. One of our employees is doing this right now. F**king idiot. I can’t wait until we drop the hammer on her.

I’m in a good mood today, contrary to the best efforts of our corporate HQ to crush all the hopes and desires of its underlings and I have absolutely nothing of value to talk about. What better time to blog, right?

The weather here in Upstate NY is fricking awesome, and when I die, I want the weather to be like it is today. That way when people are standing around my grave they’ll say stuff like “Boy, I really miss Mike, but isn’t it beautiful out today? What do you say we skip work and play hooky the rest of the day?” Then they can sit around on an outside deck, drinking and eating the afternoon away, while the world passes them by, and they can thank me for the one of the best afternoons of their lives.

Anyway….

I was watching Obama being interviewed on the Today show today, and you know what, I’ve really gotta hand it to the guy. Obama’s retort to questions that he doesn’t want to answer is essentially “That question has no merit and I’m not going to answer it, and it has nothing to do with how I’m going to change the world”. I’m going to have to try this line of reasoning on my wife the next time I come home late, stinking of booze and with lipstick on my collar. “I don’t know what you’re talking about and frankly it has nothing to do with anything and I’m not going to stoop to answering it.”

I also love the Democrats comments on the negative turn that the campaign has taken in PA. Hillary basically said “You think this is bad? Wait until till we run against the Republicans in the fall. Then you’re going to see the nasty shit come out”. Really? So it’s the Republicans fault, is it? If it wasn’t for those nasty, tricksy Republicans, the Democrats would be skipping around, tossing flowers and having a big fricking love in? Give me a break.

So anyway, that's it. Go forth and multiply. And if you don't want to multiply, at least get a lot of practice in.

What’s going on?

Just so everyone is on the same page here, I’ve been really busy at work. Our payroll lady had the nerve to go and have a heart attack and has been out of the office for three weeks now. I know, it’s just unbelievable what some people will do, right? Doesn’t she know how this is impacting my blogging?

So, not only that, but one of the other crazy bitches that I supervise has been out as well. And yes, she is a crazy bitch because I have a note from her Doctor saying that she is a crazy, bipolar bitch, and that she’ll be back to work when she’s got her shit under control. Ok, maybe he didn’t use those words, but you get the point.

On top of that, the industry that I work in, that is supposed to be recession proof, is turning out not to be in this recent down turn. Which, when coupled with the fact that we’re such a big part of the whole company, has sr. management kind of agitated. And when management is agitated, they make work for everyone else. It’s like if we print off more pages with more numbers on them, even though they are all saying the same thing, everyone feels better about it.

After all of that, I really don’t have much to say. So, rather than retreading a bunch of crap that I’ve already written about, I’ve decided to stop talking for a while and listen to what other people are saying.

Sounds crazy, I know. But don’t worry, I’ll find my loud, obnoxious, opinionated voice again soon. So just sit tight and in a few weeks everything should be back to normal. In the interim, feel free to take up the torch and talk about what’s bugging the shit out of you. And if you’ve got nothing, try posting some porn. Because without porn, the internet would just be a bunch of frustrated people yelling at each other. Kind of like the DMV, but without having to smell that freak sitting next to you.

I have the power

I’ve been interviewing people this week for our front desk receptionist position, and frankly, it kind of bothers me. During the interview while these people are prattling on about how great they are, I’m thinking about how something is going wrong in their lives, and that’s why they are sitting here. Something is going wrong, and they are hoping that somehow my company and I are going to fix it. But what if we’re not all that? What if we don’t prove to be the panacea that they are looking for?

The worst was the single mom who was just let go from her other job. I was actually interviewing her on what was the last day of her old job. You could see it in her face, I felt, you could see the strain, the almost dejected way that she carried herself. I was thinking to myself how the temp agency said that she was “bubbly” and I was thinking “if this is bubbly, I’d hate to see you depressed”. The other thing that bothered me was the fact that while she is probably fine to do the job, I just wasn’t completely sold on her. Do I continue to interview other people, who may or may not be as satisfactory as her, or just hire her and see how it works out?

And then there was the one lady who’s motor was running at about 12, and we needed someone at about a 5 or 6 for this position. She talked so much and was so loud that when I walked her back to the front door, people were popping out of their cubicles to see this woman. This girl was just freaking going a mile a minute, spilling her guts out to me about her divorce and her multiple failed marriage and blah, blah blah and I’m thinking “I would kill myself within ½ hour of her starting here” and “how the fuck do I interrupt her unrelenting recounting of her life’s story to end this interview gracefully ?”

I hate being in the position where I may have this type of impact on people’s lives. But, I guess if I’m going to try to move up the ladder, it’s something that I have to come to grips with. Just another one of life’s lessons.

Hold that thought while we go slaughter some more monks

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/china_cnn_dc;_ylt=AlE7wJOVtT6.Uxt_f43XrLOs0NUE

China demands CNN apology for "goons" comment

BEIJING (Reuters) - China on Tuesday demanded that television news channel CNN apologize after one of its commentators said the Chinese were "goons" and that their products were "junk." What, China’s pissed that CNN actually reported something accurately for a change?

Jack Cafferty made the comments earlier this month on CNN's political program, The Situation Room. China would have responded sooner, but they were too busy beating the shit out of the Tibetan monks before the Olympic torch showed up.

"We are shocked at and strongly condemn the evil attack by the CNN anchor on the Chinese people," Chinese Foreign Ministry spokeswoman Jiang Yu told a regular news conference. “Because, you know, that’s what we do. We don’t need no stink’n yellow dog foreign scum beating up on our own people, thank you very much.”

"Cafferty used the microphone in his hand (which is always better for reporting than when he has his head up his ass) to slander China and the Chinese people, and seriously violated reporting ethics." First of all, we’ll blame translation difficulties for the Chinese use of the oxymoron “reporting ethics”. Secondly, how do the Chinese know for sure that Cafferty hasn’t been beaten up by some Chinese thugs using broken toys covered in lead based paint?

Cafferty said the United States imported Chinese-made "junk with the lead paint on them and the poisoned pet food," adding: "They're basically the same bunch of goons and thugs they've been for the last 50 years," according to a copy of his comments carried on YouTube. But they still look marvelous after all these years!

China came under international scrutiny following a series of food and product health scares last year. It says the vast majority of its products are safe and has accused Western media of over-hyping the problem. “First it was MSG, now lead based paint and dog food with poison no good. Is there no pleasing the pale faced devil?!”

"We solemnly demand that CNN and Cafferty retract their evil words and apologize to the whole Chinese people," Jiang added. First of all, CNN needs to apologize to the citizens of the United States for all of the jaded and slanted “news” reporting they have been passing off on us for the last few years. After that, once the Chinese free Tibet, leave Taiwan alone and kiss our asses, we’ll see what we can have CNN do for them.

Attack of the Do Gooders

I was really on a rant yesterday about all the do gooders trying to save me all of the environmental contamination that is dooming me to a short life of deformity and crippling illness. I am so tired of all these people who find links between things were there really are not any established links, and then making us change our lives due to these mythical problems.

We got in a rousing debate at lunch, which really wasn’t a debate at all. It was me against 6 other guys, who were all looking at me like I had sprouted a third eye or another arm. You know, it isn’t like I’m trying to argue that there are aliens (which, while I believe there is a strong statistical probability of, I’m not so convinced that they are flying around our neck of the woods) or that there is some grand conspiracy regarding the Knights Templar, the Free Masons and the assassinations of JFK and MLK.

As a side note, remind me to talk some time about my theory of people who have three letter abbreviations of their names ending in K and untimely deaths. But any way, back to the tirade…

And before getting back to our regularly scheduled programming, have you ever notice how there is so much cynicism in today’s society, but not enough skepticism? Why can we be so cynical about the ways of our world, but we’re so ready to believe just about any crap that any do gooder wants to foist on us? We’re so ready to believe that there are these grand conspiracies, but as soon as you ask someone to prove it to you, all of a sudden you’re the crazy assed heretic that people are giving a wide birth to. Just WTF is up with that?

Ok, the first issue that got me going is this theory that playgrounds that are made of pressure treated wood are leaching arsenic into the ground and poisoning our kids. Maybe you haven’t heard of this one, but it’s near and dear to my heart. Every one of the elementary schools in our district had playgrounds that were made of pressure treated wood. Pressure treated wood contains arsenic in it. How much, I really don’t care. But, the do gooder’s theory here is that the arsenic leaches out of the wood into the ground, and kids come into contact with the ground (like we needed a government study to figure that out), so ip-so-facto the kids can get arsenic poisoning.

Now, nobody, and I mean nobody in the great state of New York (pre-Spitzer days, so it was still the Great State of NY, rather than the Great State of Over Priced Hookers and Whoring Governors that we live in today) could find where this had actually happened, of course. But nooooo, because a bunch of over caffeinated soccer moms with too much time on their hands and not enough brain power to control themselves got a hold of the issue and decided to turn into the latest and greatest cause de jour of do gooders, our school district yanked out all of the playgrounds.

The real beauty of the situation arose when the school district, which is always cowed and brow beaten by these namby pambies, turns around and says “Ok, we’ve removed the playgrounds, but we don’t have any money for new ones. So if you want new ones, you’ll have to raise the money and install them yourselves.” Which the PTSA happily ran out and did.

Personally, and this is from experience, I’m not really sure what is more dangerous to our children, pressure treated playgrounds which may or may not be posining our kids, or metal playgrounds built by moms and dad on the weekends, who don’t have any construction experience, and are drinking as they're building this shit. It’s a little know fact (but true) that more kids have been hurt on the new playground (my son is one, a compound fracture of his right arm) than were ever poisoned by the freaking arsenic. But that doesn't matter, becuase those do gooders are sleeping well at night, knowing that they saved the day. Idiots.

One of the other issues that I’m not all on board with is this whole thing about mercury in eyeliner poisoning woman. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, look it up on the web. It’s gone so far that Minnesota, firmly in the grip of do-gooders, has banned the sale of eyeliner with mercury in it.

I understand mercury is bad. Bad, bad, mercury. Got it. What I don’t understand is if you haven’t proven (at all) the linkage between eyeliner with mercury and any sickness or disease, why the hell are we banning it? My conservative estimate is that there is somewhere along the line of 13 billion applications of eyeliner in the US alone on an annual basis (300 million people, 50% of which are women, 1/3 of those women (50 million) put on eyeliner once a day, 5 days a week). So, over the last 50 years that eyeliner has been around (I have no idea on that one), there was been something like 650 billion applications of eyeliner in the US.

So, that’s a lot of exposure, right? Almost as much as tobacco, right? So with all that use, why the hell haven’t we seen some sort of linkage between the use of eyeliner with mercury in it and some specific disease? Because there isn’t any. But, have no fear, the do gooders are here to protect us.

The last issue is I’m not buying into is in this article:

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1722266,00.html

You know, I got that BPA may or may not be bad. I understand that the bottles may actually release BPA, although, how much, I’m not really sure. So that’s like mixing kind of / sort of with possibly / maybe, which, honestly, I think makes Vegas odds look really, really good.

So, you have one study by one guy, and now there’s all this alarm, when a lot of other people say it’s ok. But, because we live in a society of cynics and not skeptics, everyone is buying in all the way on this issue, but no one is stopping to say “prove it”. I would like to see this claim submitted to the same rigorous FDA testing that new drugs have to go through. I think it’s just a bunch of hog wash, but, who I am, right?

So, there you have it. My three crack pot theories that put me on the lunatic fringe. Maybe it’s just time to stop fighting and go back to using wax cartons and believing in aliens. Maybe that way I can fit in with the hip and cool green crowed.

Fuck that shit.

So, in closing, have a great weekend, increase your carbon foot print, drink a lot, drive fast, and we’ll probably all see each other on Monday.

With love,

Your cranky, skeptical, over the hill white guy from the suburbs.

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If “GWB Sucks Ballz”, what does Congress suck?

Nothing.

And you know why?

Because Congress doesn’t do anything.

I’m sorry, but this latest piece of political grandstanding regarding the free trade pact with Columbia, by Nancy Pelosi, is so completely unbelievable, so outrageous and beyond comparison, it’s really hard to describe.

Is this what the Democratic party is coming to? Has this party, which was once the home the New Deal, the Great Society and a myriad of other major programs, turned into a bunch of obstructionist, do-nothing group of windbags? It’s one thing if they came out and said “Hey, this is a bad deal and we’re going to defeat it so a new one can be crafted”, but no, they couldn’t even get the balls to do that. No, what this whining, ignorant bitch did was to change the rules so they don’t have to do anything at all.

And why oh why would I call her a whining, ignorant bitch? Because the trade deal was to enable American goods into Columbia tariff free, since Columbia’s goods already come into American completely free. Nancy Pelosi, you stupid ass (and no, I’m not talking about a long eared beast of burden, who, I think, would be offended by being compared to Nancy Pelosi and the rest of Congress), in case nobody’s told you, by enabling American goods to enter into Columbia tariff free, you increase American exports and increase American jobs.

So, just because you want to score some political points in this election season, you have essentially said screw you to American workers and companies. Way to go, you moron. Good job helping the country and the economy during a recession by killing American exports. With more outstanding leadership such as this, American should be reverted back to a third world country in no time.

And just what have you accomplished, my precious little congress?

I was in the car today and caught part of Ambassador Crocker’s opening testimony today. As he was speaking, one of the issues that he touched on was how much actual progress the Iraqi legislative body has made since September. Crocker listed several important pieces of legislation that the Iraqi’s have proposed, debated and approved of, in addition to passing a budget, designing a new flag, establishing the next round of elections, and some other stuff. Here’s a link to a pdf which contains his testimony:

http://www.cfr.org/content/publications/attachments/Ambassador%20Crocker%20-%20SASC%20Testimony%208%20April%202008.pdf

Now, you can decide for yourself what you think about Crocker’s testimony, I’m not about to shill for the administration.

What I would like to know, and if any of you can help me with this, is during this same period of time, just what significant pieces of legislation has our own august legislative body (i.e. congress) accomplished? Except for passing the tax rebate legislation, (which I still haven’t received, thank you very much), just what exactly have all of our elected windbags been doing down in Washington for the past seven months? Certainly there have been some significant developments here during that period of time, including the economy melting down, the mortgage crises, the falling dollar, massive bailouts for banks and other financial institutions, and sky rocketing gas prices, just to name a few.

So, with all of that turmoil, just what the hell has Congress done during that period of time to fix all this shit? I mean, unless I’ve really missed something, none of them have had to operate in an environment where they are worried about assassinations, car bombing, family members being murdered, a low level civil war, or any of that shit, which could really distract you from getting your job done.

I know that some of these shills haven’t been at their desks much anyway, since they’re too busy trying to convince us that they are doing such a bang up job that we should give them another one.

So, as someone on Adri’s page so eloquently said earlier, if Bush “sucks ballz” (lovely spelling), does Congress suck balls and give rim jobs as well? And, what gives these lazy ass fuckers the right to accuse the Iraqi’s of doing nothing, when they have even less to show for the same time?

Just asking, you know?

Have you ever wondered…

So, this morning, as I’m walking the dogs and I’m watching them sniff every little spot on the ground that some other canine has pissed, pooped or trod upon at some point in the past. And I start to wonder if their noses get overloaded with all of those scents. You know, like during a wine tasting, if you’re not careful, your palette will be over-loaded and you can’t taste the difference between the wines.

Then I start to wonder if some of the scents act like a reset for the dogs olfactory senses, you know, kind of like a sorbet for the canine nose.

Just wondering, you know?

PS - No, I'm not currently taking any medications, either legal or illegal. This shit's just rolling around up there.

AFOP Alert

As per the Company’s SOX policy labeled as “Hot Auditor”, I am dutifully fulfilling my obligations to notify the male staff at XYZ Office that there is a somewhat attractive female on the property (AFOP) at this time. I am also required to request that you do not scare said female with overtly blatant viewing tactics and to maintain your drive-by viewing to a maximum of once per hour.

This auditor should be on site today and tomorrow so please adjust your schedules accordingly. She is located in the conference room on the NE corner of the building.

As luck would have it, Ray is not in the office today. This presents the somewhat truthful opportunity for you to poke your head in and ask “have you seen Ray?” to maximize your viewing pleasure.

Typically during AFOP situations, male employees are affected by heavy breathing and significant perspiration. It is recommended that you calm your nerves and seek medical attention prior to your drive by viewing, if affected. Also, any comments along the lines of “Hey Baby, wanna see my trash?” will result in an immediate suspension from the AFOP notification list.

Good luck, God speed and may the force be with you.

If you can't say something nice....

I love all of these people that have stuff in their profiles that say something like “My friends say this about me, people tell me that about me, blah, blah, blah”. Like your friends would say that you’re a self centered, egotistical asshole that they can’t stand to be around, right?

You know what my friends say about me? Nothing. You know why they say nothing? Because they’re dead. You know why they’re dead? Because they didn’t say anything nice about me and I killed them.

Anyone want to be my friend?

Cowboys and Indians

A cowboy is riding across the plains, doing cowboy stuff. Being that he was better looking (Brad Pitt) than smart (Clint Eastwood – like who would ever screw with him, right?), he made the mistake of riding straight into a tribe of Indians. After a brief battle and putting up a good fight, the cowboy was captured. He was taken to the Indian camp and tied up in one of their teepees.

The Indian chief, being a wise and honorable warrior, came into the teepee and said to the cowboy (remember to use that stupid Hollywood Indian accent when reading the following, just to give it that authenticity):

“You are a brave warrior. Before we kill you, I will grant you one wish”.

After thinking for a bit, the cowboy asked if he could talk with his horse. The Chief, somewhat befuddled by this request, but being an honorable dude, acquiesced and had the horse brought to the teepee. The cowboy reached up and spoke into the horse’s ear for a moment. After speaking with the horse, he smacks it on its rump and the horse goes speeding off. The cowboy said that he needed to wait until the horse came back, and then his wish would be fulfilled.

Later that day, the horse came back to the camp. On the back of the horse was a beautiful woman, with long flowing brunette hair and that gorgeous outdoors look about her. The Indian’s lead the horse to the teepee and called the cowboy out. The cowboy took one look at the lady, helped her off the horse and led her into the teepee.

After a while (because the cowboy had mad skills in the teepee, if you know what I mean), the cowboy and lady came back out, he put her up on the horse and off she went.

The next morning the Chief came back to the teepee and says (remember the accent now):

“Not only are you a mighty warrior, but you are a wise man. We have decided to grant you one more wish before we kill you.”

Without any hesitation the cowboy asked to speak with the horse again. After receiving its’ instructions, the horse races off and the whole camp waits for its’ return.

Later that afternoon, the horse comes back with a stunning blond lady on its’ back. Now, most of the braves in this tribe have gotten the word of what is going on and they all lead the horse to the teepee and bring the cowboy out. He comes out and looks a little depressed at seeing this beautiful lady. But, being a studly cowboy, he takes the lady into the teepee and conducts his business (for today’s younger generation, this means he’s “tapping that shit”, so we’re all on the same page.).

Later that day, when they are done, the cowboy leads the lady out of the teepee, puts her up on the horse and off she goes.

The next morning the Chief (and most of the tribe at this point) approach the teepee and call the cowboy out. The Chief says:

“You are a skilled warrior, a wise man and a mighty lover. We have had a powwow and have decided to grant you one more wish”.

Without a moment’s hesitation the cowboy asks to talk with his horse again. Upon hearing this there is a lot of elbow nudges, back splapping, winks and knowing glances going around the tribe. With a big grin on his face the Chief leads the horse to the cowboy. The cowboy grabs the horse’s ears and whispers fiercely:

“Listen, I said I wanted a posse, not some pussy….”

Just because it has sub-titles doesn't make it high class

So a couple of guys and I were in my office the other day, when the marketing guy starts talking about cable TV. He turns to me and asks if I have Time Warner cable, which we do.

He starts taking about some channel in upper 400 range that carries foreign films on it, particularly films that have gay and lesbian loves scenes in it. The operations guy and I are look at each other and look back at marketing and ask him what the hell he is talking about.

So the marketing guy starts going on about how the other night there was some French film on where two guys are banging each other in the ass (which, he proceeds to demonstrate by standing up and doing hip thrusts all around my office, thank you very much).

The ops guy and I look at each other again and I turn to marketing man and say “you know, you’re fricking gay now, right?” The marketing guy turns to me and says (all the while continuing to make the hip thrusts, which is really getting old now) “What do you mean I’m gay?”

“Because you’re watching gay porn”

“But, but, it’s in French”

“That doesn’t make it any less gay. Pretty much anytime you watch one guy porking another up the Heresy Highway, that’s gay”

“But it was in French. With subtitles and everything..”

“Just because it was in French doesn’t make it not gay. Actually, because it was in French, you’re even more gay now. You may have been gay light before, but now, well, it’s like you’re full blown gay. Don’t try to pretend that this was some sort of cultural diversity program. You’re gay. Now please leave my office”

Boy, was he bummed. Here he was thinking that he was getting free, cross cultural porn, and he found out he was just gay. Poor guy.

Stop the War (Fill in the blank)…

Ok, so, let me see if I get this correct. People are saying that we should pull out of Iraq because we’re not winning, we can’t win, there is no reason for us to be there, American’s are dying for no reason, it costs too much with nothing to show for it, the money can be used for other purposes, the Iraqis have to take responsibility for their own society, their own leadership, etc. etc. etc. Basically, after five years, we’ve spent a lot of money, a bunch of people have died and we have nothing to show for it.

Is this correct? Do you agree with this? If so, how about this…

Is it time to stop the war on poverty? This has gone on for something like 30 – 40 years and we have nothing to show for it. We’ve spent an enormous amount of money on the war on poverty and there are still poor people out there. This problem is so stubborn that we’re now dealing with the second and third generation of the welfare state, and they still don’t get out of poverty. Is it time to give up on the poor? Is it time for them to take responsibility for their own actions? Is it time for us to stop propping up a failed system and let them try to make it on their own? What if we diverted all of the money from the welfare (and all other social support programs) system and diverted it to global warming? Yea, I saw the flicker in your eyes on that one. Think about all of the precious resources poor people use up. We could save so many forests and baby harp seals with this.

How about the war on drugs? Not only are we not winning this, I think it would be safe to say that we haven’t even won any battles. How much money have we spent on this? And forget about the loss of American lives. And how about collateral damage to innocent civilians? There are thousands and thousands of innocent civilians hurt, injured and killed in this war every single year. We even have a Drug Czar to lead this war. A lot of good those blokes have done, right? Time to fire his ass and run away from this battle.

What about the war on homelessness? Illiteracy? Recycling? And don’t get me started on Africa and all of the crap there that we have wasted our time with over the years. Do you remember Band Aid and raising all that money for the staving children in Africa? That was over 20 years ago. The staving children are still there, aren’t they? We seem to have lost that one too.

What? What’s the matter? Oh, I see. We have some sort of “moral obligation” to help these situations. Oh really? Well, don’t we have the same sort of moral obligation to help the Iraqis now? Or do our ethics and moral responsibilities stop at our borders?

Watch out, that sword cuts both ways, you know. Or at least it should.

Go on, talk amongst yourselves now...

Math Class

Proof that women are the root of all evil:

Everybody knows that women take time and money

Women = Time * Money

Everybody knows that Time equals Money:

Time = Money

So through substitution we arrive at:

Women = Money * Money

Or, more simply stated:

Women = Money²

Now, everybody knows that money is the root of all evil:

Money = √ Evil

So, since we had money squared:

Money² = √ Evil²

So through substitution we arrive at:

Women = √ Evil²

The square root of any value that is squared is the original value, so:

Women = Evil

Ha! There you go, you evil, "Don't bother IMing me 'cause I'll ignore you" man hating lesbian bitches! I may not have a full profile, naked pictures, my street address, social security number and all the other crap that you want as proof of life, but I can trot out my 6th grade math skills, oh yes I can.

Actually, I copied this from somewhere else. I'm so un-original it's pathetic. If I came up with one original idea in my life I would probably drop dead. Also, this really isn’t aimed at lesbians, because I really don’t care that they don’t care for men. I’ll still troll their pictures.

This is actually aimed at all of us married guys. You know that the black, sucking hole that used to be our wallets? I see you nodding, you know what I’m talking about. It’s a 4^th dimensional worm hole generated by our wives to suck out all of our life’s essence. And for those of you who aren’t married yet, don’t worry, it’s coming for you too.

A Pretty Damn Good Day

“…all things considered, the morning is still, let’s face it, pretty damn good.” - Adri

It’s funny, but this morning, I was thinking the exact same thing, but for different reasons.

I was out of the house with the dogs at 5:30 this morning. It was a crisp 20 degrees, the morning sky was cloudless and the heavenly firmament blazed above me in all of its’ beauty. The waning moon was low on the horizon to the east, and it was slowly being washed away by the glow from raising sun.

At the juncture of two roads, where there weren’t any lights from lamp posts, houses, or speeding cars, I paused for a moment and stared up at the sky. The stars were so clear, so sharp, it’s hard to describe. Constellations were arrayed above me, majestic structures that have watched over us, and been watched by us, for thousands and thousands of years.

My moment of bliss was slowly interrupted by the dogs, who had grown tired of sniffing their butts and wanted to move on. The day was dawning and I knew that the responsibilities of my life calling from a long, long way away.

But, for one brief moment, it was a pretty damn good day.

Welcome to Election 08 – Here’s your barf bag

Yesterday, “Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson on Monday formally announced calls for consolidating bank regulation, creating a new type of insurance charter, improving the oversight of mortgage lending and allowing the Federal Reserve to peek into more corners of finance.”

“The scope of the proposals and lobbying by the industries affected make quick action unlikely. But they come amid widespread concern over the state of financial markets, and some industry observers said that means anything can happen.”

Ok, for anyone just tuning in, the markets have been in an upheaval since last summer, lots of really smart people who took really big investment risks are losing a lot of money. Everyone (I’m not exactly sure of who everyone is, but let’s leave that alone for now) thinks that the government, who, in almost everything else that it does people agree does a really horrible job of running stuff, should have more oversight over these really smart, really wealthy, investors.

Now, I completely disagree, but that’s not what this is about. What this posting is about is the stupid fucking knee jerk reactions from the three morons running for president. Again, we’ll turn to the Wall Street Journal:

“Sens. Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama joined Sen. John McCain, the presumptive Republican nominee, in endorsing the proposed consolidation of regulatory agencies, but said that the steps outlined by Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson didn't do enough to address the fallout from the credit and foreclosure crisis.”

“Sen. Clinton, speaking at a Harrisburg, Pa., diner, said the plan "comes late and falls short." Sen. Obama chided President Bush for "finally" figuring out that "we need to maybe have some oversight of the financial markets."

Hey, Obama, did you just say “maybe” have some oversight of the financial markets? Are you fucking kidding me? Does this idiot know anything? Is there anyone reading this that supports Obama and wants to tell me why this guy continually puts his foot in his mouth and is still considered to be a serious candidate? Maybe? Give me a fricking break.

And Hillary, if the President’s plan “comes late and falls short”, just what the hell have you been proposing over the last few months to correct this issue? I’ll give her points for not saying maybe, but as usually anything that this administration does she is against, without even understanding the complexity of the discussion. Hey, Hillary, why don’t you just jump back down into that foxhole, avoid the sniper fire and let the pros take this one.

And now for McCain: “In a statement, Sen. McCain blamed lax oversight on special interests that had preserved "outdated agencies," and said the current financial turbulence proved that more oversight is needed.”Ah, John, what exactly are the special interests that preserved these outdated agencies?

All of this also ignores the fact that Paulson’s plan gives more power to the Fed, the exact same agency that a lot of economists think started the whole problem.

Idiots, morons and stupid heads. Welcome to the future of America.

I went to Bosnia with Hillary

And all I got was this lousey tee shirt.

http://patriotshop.us/product_info.php?cPath=70&products_id=734