Notes from the edge of Suburbia, Part 2

I can't find if I copied this over from my 360 page or not. If I have, and you've already read this, sorry. If not, have at it. And yes, all of the basic facts in this are true, and happend last year.

I’m beginning to hate

a lot about Christmas…

Puppies and Christmas Trees – A primer

Now, of course, with a title like that, I’m sure that we could all expect a lot of laughs and giggles at the high jinks happening in our house, right? I mean, really, what could be more fun than a rambunctious puppy, a teetering / tottering Christmas tree and hundreds of family heirlooms hung with care from the branches of a dying evergreen tree? Sounds like some stupid Chevy Chase movie, right? Well, not exactly. All you happy suburbanites, please take note of this following tale of woe.

Last evening we’re all sitting around in the house in the Christmas mood. That is to say, we were all pissed off at each other. What? Like this is any different than your house the week before Christmas.

Our tree is set up in our living room, in front of the big bay windows. We do this to make it easier for the home invaders to figure out which room to break into. We like to think of it as that giving spirit that we’re all supposed to be infused with at this time of the year. We give our money to the stores, the “downtrodden” break into our house to steal gifts to feed their drug problems and the insurance companies give us money back for those gifts we really didn't want in the first place. It's the Christmas Circle of Life, or something like that.

Anyway…

My wife and I are in the family room and she’s reading to me the latest honey dripping, lovey dovey e-mail that women seem to like passing around at this time of the year. I’m on my work laptop, surreptitiously trying to surf for porn. What? You really think your husband's looking up his stocks on a Saturday night? Pa-lease. He's trying to find pictures of Santa's naughty helpers wearing thigh high red fishnet stockings and who are doing things with an oversized candy cane which will certianly land her on the naughty list. Those are the kind of elves we like.

Where was I? Oh, yea, the dog.

All of a sudden, without any warning, the puppy starts yelping and howling and comes bolting out of the living room. He's running so fast I think his ass is in front of his face, like in the cartoons. Before we can get out of the lazy chair, he’s high tailed it down into the basement and is hiding behind a couch down there, shaking and quivering like a leaf in a wind storm.

Being a loving family, we all rush down and crowd around him to try to figure out what’s wrong. There’s no blood, nothing broken, nothing jagged, there is nothing lodged in his paws or in his mouth, so it’s kind of a mystery as to what happened. After a few minutes, I head up to the tree to see that could have happened.

As I’m up there, my youngest daughter and her friend come back into the room to watch TV again. I asked her if she knew what happened, and she replied “no, he was just under the tree”.

I looked under the tree and I don’t see anything. I’m still looking around and she mentions she had just cleaned up one of the bulbs that he had gotten a hold of. You mean one of the ornaments?, I aked.

No, one of the light bulbs, she answers, a little ticked off. I guess I was interrupting whatever critical show was on TV at that point. Well excuse me.

I start looking at the bottom of the tree, when I noticed one of the light sockets was missing a bulb. Actually, on this strand of bulbs, there were five or six sockets that were missing bulbs.

And then I found it. A wet, empty socket on the strand of lights, that had the power on.

The stupid fucking dog almost electrocuted himself right under the Christmas tree. Now that would have been a Christmas that we would all remember!

I promptly announced my findings to the rest of the family, at which point they all started to fuss over our Not-Going-To-Make-It-To-His-First-Birthday-If-He-Keeps-This-Shit-Up puppy.

With the need for my keep powers of observation past, I returned to my lazy-boy, grabbed my beer and returned to surfing the net for porn.

Ahh, who doesn’t love the Christmas season.

Subversion-*

*-At least as subversive as a middle class white guy from the suburbs can get

Recently, I’ve been thinking about all of those electronic signatures I’ve been leaving all over the place, when I’m using my debit/credit card. You know, when you’re checking out and you’re asked to “Sign Here” on that little electronic pad? Then you click “accept” and then the store has permission to pull some outrageous amount out of your checking account for some over-priced doodad that you probably didn’t need in the first place.

I was thinking about how crazy it was that so many of my purchases are being approved with a signature that in no way shape or form matches my real signature. Not that my real signature is any gem to start with, and if I can do it twice in a row the same way, I’m pretty proud of myself. Now these stores are asking for my written approval for purchases on some device that is cramped, placed at screwy angels and the end product looks like it was scratched out on one of those etch-a-sketch’s that I had growing up. Really. I mean, like, this crap is going to be any definitive proof that I actually signed and approved the purchase, right?

So, in my own little rebellion against the man, I’ve stopped writing my name on these devices. I’ve started writing “Hi Mom”, “I didn’t approve this”, “Donkey Kong”, “Obama’s Mama”, and the ever popular “Yea Baby!”. Sometimes, I’m expecting some mall security types to come charging around the corner, a donut in one hand and an oversized Motorola radio in the other, ready to give hot pursuit to the latest miscreant. Other times, I’ll feel a little weird, or, even worse, I’ll start giggling to myself, which leads the typical store clerk to look at me like I am a little weird. Usually, nothing happens and the world moves on.

This weekend, I was in Sephora, with my youngest daughter, finishing up our holiday shopping. After standing in line for 20 minutes, to purchase yet another product for my wife (which I really don’t think that she needs, but, what do I know. At least that’s what she tells me), we were laughing and having a good time, when the next robo clerk asked us to step up to the counter.

On a side note, shouldn’t the last place that a store asks you if you found everything, be at the checkout counter? Shouldn’t you have helped me out prior to this point, so I’d be spending more of my hard earned cash in your store? And, if I didn’t find everything I wanted, and your service was so poor that it didn’t help me until up to this point, do you really think I’m interested in jumping out of line, tying to find something all over again, and getting back in line? Maybe you should ask that questions before I’ve decided to leave your store? Eh, what do I know.

Anyway…

So, this overly attractive and perfectly made-up young lady proceeded to process our order, and it came time to sign in the box. Feeling a little full of myself, I wrote “I’m the Man!” and clicked accept. I put my card away and looked up to see her staring at her screen, and starting to laugh. In a panic, I asked “Did you see that?”

She replied “Yes, and it was pretty funny. Come to think of it, I don’t think there is anything I could do about it if I wanted to, so have yourself a good afternoon”.

It’s a great day when you can stick it to the man, and have a good laugh about it.

Jennifer Aniston is hot.

2008 Performance Review

It's that time of year again, yes, it's performance review time. So, when my boss sent down this form, which he's supposed to fill out, for me to complete, well, I thought I'd have a little fun.

So what do you think?

What are the Employee’s Strengths? 1 Ask the bitches. They'll tell ya! 2 If you have to ask, you're not man enough to understand. 3 To give you an idea, Lionel Richie wrote that "All Night Long" song about me. 4 Rollin wid my homies and poppin caps in yo ass! What are the Areas of Improvement? 1 Can only satisfy four (4) bitches at one time. 2 Sometimes I have to call the cops, when my crew starts rollin hard. 3 You think you can improve on this? Word! 4 I'll try not to leave YO MAMA at the curb tonight when I'm done wit her! Proposed and Agreed Action Plan to Improve Weaknesses 1 Stop being selfish and let some of my crew in on the action wid all dez Ho's! 2 Fizzle my nizzle. Fo shizzle 3 Nuf said! Out! 4 Word.

My wife nagged and nagged at me to put up the Christmas lights.

Well, I finally got them up and NOW she won't talk to me!

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Car Czar? Why not, that whole drug czar worked out so well...

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20081209/ap_on_go_co/congress_autos

“House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said she supports the concept of a federal overseer of any rescue plan, saying she lacked confidence the heads of the car companies could solve the problem if "left to their own devices."

I’m sorry, I have a real problem with someone, who’s a leader of an institution with a 9% approval rating, calling other people poor managers. It is so galling that this lady, who, for the last year has basically blamed all of the country’s ills on the Bush administration, and yet hasn’t done anything substantive to correct any of these issues, calls to issue the management ability of auto industry leaders.

Let’s just cut all the bullshit out for a second. For the last 30 or so years, the big three have done exactly what businesses are supposed to do. They figured out what their market(s) wanted (big, fat, fuel inefficient vehicles) and made those products by the boat load so their companies did well, and people bought their stock. And, during the process, they basically supported a mini welfare state (the UAW / unions), that perpetuated an inefficient economic model (cost structure significantly higher than the competition) that eventually put them in a position where they were unable to compete on a global stage.

Making feel good, “green” hybrid cars is not going to address the root problems that Detroit is facing. Breaking and crushing the unions, devaluing automotive wages by 30% and dropping all medical care support for non-productive retirees is what has to happen to fix their problems. Everyone knows it, but is anyone going to do that?

Car czar my ass. Just another governmental agency, that isn’t going to go away after this crises is over, and then this “czar” will have the power to force the auto makers all sorts of crazy, liberal green shit in the future.

If I was the head of GM, I’d say, thanks, but no thanks. I’d take the company into bankruptcy, break the union, throw all of those over paid, blue collar democrats on the street, and then call up Pelosi and say “How do you like me now?”

Old jokes and embarrassing my son.

On Saturday, I was driving home from the high school hockey game, with my son and two young girls (16+) in the car. My son had been interested in one of the girls, but my wife and I felt that she was just using him until something better came along. Due to this, my feelings towards these two girls were somewhat ambivalent. You know, I wasn’t trying to put on the “good parent” show so I wouldn’t ruin my son’s chances with these two. I was just being me, a smart ass.

As a side note, once they got out of the car, and we continued to drive home, my son confided in me that he thought that he was being used as well, and that he felt like a tool. When I asked him what he was going to do about it, he told me that the next time Jennifer asked for a ride, he was going to reply that he couldn’t because “the tool shop is closed now”. Nice. Both my wife and I laughed at this. A good come back.

So anyway, as we’re driving home, we were in a discussion about why my son just didn’t drive himself. I said that I wasn’t sure if he knew how to get the rink downtown and how to get back from it, so I decided to come along.

One of the girls said “we could have figured it out, I have mapquest in my pocket”

I must have waited a full 10 to 15 seconds, which seemed like an eternity, to see if anyone else picked up on that comment. When no one did, I slowly said

“Is that a mapquest in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”

Pandemonium broke out in the car. The girls were laughing, my son was shocked (shocked!) that I would have said something like and I was laughing so hard I almost had to pull over.

Later during the weekend, my wife was looking at all of the ads in the paper, and pointed out some good deals on GPS units. I told her that we really didn’t need one. When she asked why, I looked at her with a sly look on my face and said “Here, let me show you the mapquest in my pocket….”.

News Flash! Obama uses White House lavatory For Historic Crap!

Did I get your attention? Sucker.

Actually, for a change, today has been a somewhat productive day. It's amazing what you can get done when you turn off Multiply. But, as usual, as the day has worn on, my mind has started to wander, and all those freaky thoughts usually kept at bay by my subconsiouse, have started to bubble forth. Now, while these may not actually be deep thoughts, they are what are bothering me today.

#1 – If we know something is going to happen, and it happens exactly the way it’s supposed to happen, is it still news? Or does this only apply when Obama is involved?

#2 – If you took a Ford sedan, and a Chevy sedan, cut them right down the middle, and you were able to weld them back into a functioning car, would it be a Ford or a Chevy? If you took an apple and an orange, cut ‘em in half and stuck them together, is it an apple or an orange? To extend this analogy a little further, let's say you took the peal from the other orange half and covered the apple side with it, so it looks like an orange. Apple or orange?

#3 – I’m pretty sure that if Jason Bourne (from the Bourne movies) and Ethan Hunt (Mission impossible) fought, Bourne would kick Eathan Hunt’s ass. I think, and again, this is just my opinion, between Bourne & James Bond, Bourne wins, by a hair. Bond will outthink Bourne, but if Bourne can close with Bond, he’ll turn Bond into his British bitch.

Now, what about Bourne & Rambo? Who wins there? Help! Inquiring minds want to know.

That’s it. Thanks for stopping by and playing. Make sure to pick up your free gift on your way out, and don’t let the door hit you in the ass.

BTW, at some point, human nature being what it is, Obama is going to have to use the “facilities” in the White House. Is this going to be a historic crap, or a holy crap?

Good News? You want some good news?

You know when you have that song running around through your head?

This one's been on my mind for the last few months.

Cult of Personality - Living Colour

Look into my eyes, what do you see?
Cult of personality
I know your anger, I know your dreams
Ive been everything you want to be
Im the cult of personality
Like mussolini and kennedy
Im the cult of personality
Cult of personality
Cult of personality

Neon lights, a nobel prize
The mirror speaks, the reflection lies
You dont have to follow me
Only you can set me free
I sell the things you need to be
Im the smiling face on your t.v.
Im the cult of personality
I exploit you still you love me

I tell you one and one makes three
Im the cult of personality
Like joseph stalin and gandi
Im the cult of personality
Cult of personality
Cult of personality

Neon lights a nobel prize
A leader speaks, that leader dies
You dont have to follow me
Only you can set you free

You gave me fortune
You gave me fame
You me power in your gods name
Im every person you need to be
Im the cult of personality
Look into my eyes, what do you see?
Cult of personality
I know your anger, I know your dreams
Ive been everything you want to be
Im the cult of personality
Like mussolini and kennedy
Im the cult of personality
Cult of personality
Cult of personality

Neon lights, a nobel prize
The mirror speaks, the reflection lies
You dont have to follow me
Only you can set me free
I sell the things you need to be
Im the smiling face on your t.v.
Im the cult of personality
I exploit you still you love me

I tell you one and one makes three
Im the cult of personality
Like joseph stalin and gandi
Im the cult of personality
Cult of personality
Cult of personality

Neon lights a nobel prize
A leader speaks, that leader dies
You dont have to follow me
Only you can set you free

You gave me fortune
You gave me fame
You me power in your gods name
Im every person you need to be
Im the cult of personality

My contribution to the decline of society

Assicons

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

(_Nice_) Nice Ass

File under "Dog Bites Man" and other non-news stories

It's kind of distrubing that they actually had to do a study to figure this out.

Study: McCain coverage mostly negative

The good news for John McCain? He's now receiving as much attention from the national media as his Democratic rival. The bad news? It’s overwhelmingly negative.

Just 14 percent of the stories about John McCain from the conventions through the final presidential debate were positive in tone, according to a study released today, while nearly 60 percent were negative—the least favorable coverage of any of the 4 candidates on the ticket.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/politico/20081022/pl_politico/14829

What's the next headline we're going to see? "Palin repeated mocked on SNL by flaming liberals. News at 11"?

Perspective On Life Back Home

I’ve been itching to write something about the presidential race, but I’m trying really hard not to. It’s not that I don’t have a lot to say, but I’m trying to wean myself off of it for now. My assumption is that Obama is going to win, so I’m sure that I’ll have a lot to say over the next four years.

But for now, I’d like to offer a little perspective on what we’re going through, from someone who I read on a regular basis. So, without further adu, here’s Michael Yon:

http://www.michaelyon-online.com/

Traveling along the roads of Afghanistan (when there are roads) provides a different perspective on life back home. Folks in the U.S. are worried about the economy, and while I can understand that many are struggling, it’s easy to forget how much we still have. In Afghanistan, and other countries all over the world, there are many people who literally beg for their next meals.

Americans worry about who will become our next president. Despite what their opponents say, if Barack Obama is elected, he’s not going to turn the U.S. into a socialist state (at least I don’t think he will) and John McCain is not going to invade Iran (at least I don’t think he will). Even though a great deal of noise is made about ideological differences between Democrats and Republicans, it’s remarkable how much both sides agree about certain vital issues, and how stable our nation’s fundamental policies are. No matter who is elected, America will remain true to its basic values of freedom, democracy, private enterprise and public service. The change of government will occur in an orderly fashion, no bloodshed, revolutions or coups. Think about it: When this campaign is finished, either an African American man will be president or a woman will be vice president. The candidacy of Barack Obama has demonstrated how American society as a whole is NOT racist. For all the scars we have inflicted on ourselves (slavery and racism being one of the worst), our democratic society is self-healing, even if that process can be painful and slow.

We might take a moment to remind ourselves that we do not live in a land of tribal law or a place where intergenerational feuds are part of the social fabric. Look at Afghanistan. Widows abandoned and shunned. Orphans everywhere. People missing limbs from the millions of mines still dotting the landscape. Millions. Tribes and warring ethnic factions and police so corrupt they make the Mafia look like do-gooders. Taliban. HIG. Al Qaeda. And a lot more suicide bombers than Senators. (Trust me on that one.)

The people of Afghanistan are extremely friendly and welcoming. But let’s face it. They live in a world of constant struggle. Their country was already primitive, and their existence difficult enough before they became a place of conquest, civil war, and now a clash of civilizations (or, to put it more accurately, a clash between dozens of civilized countries and violent anarchy).

The woman above was begging beside the highway. And she was not the only one. I was a passenger driving through Taliban country in a pickup truck when I took her photo. Car bombs detonate on that road all the time. Americans and others die there. And this woman, covered as most women in Afghanistan whom I see are, probably a widow, was begging just beside a police checkpoint, which, sooner or later, likely will get attacked. She might get blown to pieces by a car bomb. She apparently has no money, probably no family, nowhere else to go, and no other way to live. Still, she endures.

The world economy is having its problems, but it’s going to come back sooner or later. Meanwhile, those of us in America, and throughout the west, should count our blessings. We have our families. We have governments which, for all their flaws, at least are reasonably functional, or in many cases, highly functional. We have hope. Or at least we have reason to hope.

Makin Friends

Last weekend was my wife’s 25^th anniversary of her high school graduation. So, what better excuse to get together with a bunch of people, who, since the last reunion 5 years ago, you’ve been trying to avoid.

The first event of the reunion was on Friday night, and it was in a lodge, in a park near our house. Going into this, I thought that the only positive aspect of the whole evening was the fact that if I got really drunk, and made an ass of myself, I could walk home. Which, considering some of her friends, and once alcohol is mixed in, there is always the possibility that I’ll make an ass of myself. I’m not saying that I don’t care for some of her friends, but, well, let’s be honest, I really don’t care for some of her friends.

Before we go down that road, let’s move on, shall we?

So I’m standing around talking with another “dragged along husband”, whom, if we’re being frank here, (I’m not really Frank, I’m just being frank. Please don’t call me Frank), I don’t really care for. But, I was told I had to play nice and keep him company, or else he would be an ass to my wife’s friend. Apparently, there was a lot of “being an ass” potential in the crowd that night. Strange how that works out when spouses are dragged along to high school reunions. I may not be Sherlock Holmes, (or Frank), but I think I see a connection here.

Anyway, back to the story. As we’re standing there, people would come by, squint at us, screw their faces up, stick out their hands and say “I know it’s been so long, but I just can’t seem to place your face. Who are you again?” Since I was trying to be nice, I would kindly extend my hand in greeting and politely tell them that I didn’t go to their school, that I was my wife’s (who they all knew) spouse and that she was right over there if they wanted to talk with her. Most of them would amble away, so grumpy spouse #2 and I could get back to our drinking.

After about the 4^th or 5^th time of this (and about the 3^rd or 4^th beer), it was really getting old. I marched right over to the table where the name tags were, grabbed a blank tag and pen and in big block letters wrote:

“I DIDN’T GO TO YOUR SCHOOL AND I DON’T KNOW WHO YOU ARE”

For the other husband, I wrote this name tag:

I’M WITH STUPID (this had arrows underneath pointing to the right and left).

Now, as strange people came up to me, they’d stick out their hand and start to read the name tag. I’d start shaking their hand and wait until I saw the realization spread across their face that I was a complete and utter stranger to them, before I'd start laughing. It was great fun. Once the joy of that joke wore off, and I’d consumed a lot more beer, I snuck back to the name tag table, and in smaller letters, wrote “ , fucker” at the end of my name tag. That's when the fun really began.

Let’s just say, by the end of the evening, I didn’t have to walk home, but it was a close thing.

"It's like déjà vu all over again."

As John McCain heads into the second round of presidential debates tonight, Yogi Berra's words come to mind. Mr. McCain could do worse than remind the middle class what happened to them the last time a charismatic Democratic candidate promised them a tax cut. While he's at it, he might also remind them how much more expensive it will be to send Barack Obama to the White House at a time when his fellow Democrats will have a majority in both houses of Congress.

AP Photo/Mandatory Credit: Ron Haviv / VII

Bill Clinton promised one in 1992.

The Clinton years hold some good lessons on both these scores. Back when Mr. Clinton was campaigning for president in 1992, he made a pretty direct pitch: Raise taxes on people making more than $200,000, and use those revenues to fund tax relief for the "forgotten middle class."

In an October presidential debate, then-Gov. Clinton laid out the marginal-rate increase he wanted and some of his plans for the revenue that would be brought in. He followed with a pledge:

"Now, I'll tell you this," he said. "I will not raise taxes on the middle class to pay for these programs. If the money does not come in there to pay for these programs, we will cut other government spending, or we will slow down the phase-in of the programs."

Mr. Clinton, of course, won that election. And as the inauguration approached, he began backtracking from his promise. At a Jan. 14, 1993, press conference in New Hampshire, he claimed that it was the media that had played up a middle-class tax cut, not him. A month later, he announced his actual plan before a joint session of Congress.

On page one of the New York Times, the paper described the fate of the middle-class tax cut this way: "Families earning as little as $20,000 a year -- members of the 'forgotten middle class' whose taxes he promised during his campaign to cut -- will also be asked to send more dollars to Washington under the President's plan."

Here's the link: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB122333585431009523.html

What's that old say about studying history? Something about those who don't study history are doomed to repeat it? Whatever. Obama says it aint so!

The Dream

Driving home from hockey the other night, my son (who’s 16), and I were talking about women, or girls, to be more accurate. He was complaining that there were not any “hot” girls in his high school, or at least, not any hot ones that weren’t surrounded by drama. I asked him what he was talking about and he said that all the hot ones complained and bitched all the time. He then expressed his dream to find the completely hot girl that didn’t complain at all.

We were pulling up to a light when he said this, so I came to a stop, looked over at him and said “What?”

He said “My dream is to find a really hot girl that isn’t surrounded by drama and doesn’t complain at all.”

Some dreams are goals, and some dreams are just plain ridiculous.

Fish Tales

During our vacation to Hilton Head, I took the kids tubing for a few hours. While we were out, flying around this saltwater estuary, we came upon a pod of dolphins cavorting around in the water. Our boat guide, who was all of about 20, said it looked like they were having sex. I was up in the front of the boat as he said this, trying to take pictures (see above).

Without turning around, I asked him “Why would you say that”

He replied “Humans and dolphins are the only two animals that have sex for fun”

Completely forgetting that the kids were all on the boat I said

“That must be why we like dolphins so much”

My thoughts for the day

We saw the new batman movie over the weekend. I wasn’t a really big Heath Ledger fan before, and, as cruel as this may sound, his passing really didn’t mean all that much to me. That being said, in The Dark Knight, Heath ledger was all that and two bags of chips.

___________________________________________________________________

In Yahoo news today, one of the headlines is this:

Obama Polishes Foreign-Policy Credentials in Mideast

If you’re polishing something, doesn’t that imply that you already have it/them? Also, this is the first few lines of the article:

“For his presidential campaign, what he says on the trip may not be as important as the photos and videos it produces. ``The visual images will say that he can play in the major leagues, and that will be very important for him,''

So, essentially, style is more important than substance? Perfect, just perfect.

Drive Time

Last week, I was driving home late from work one evening. The big muckety mucks were up from the corporate office, and we had gone out for a late, decadent dinner at one of the local dining facilities. The food and wine continued over a 3 hour, non-stop onslaught and I was already beginning to feel the pain from my over-indulgence.

Home is 40 miles away from work, and at 10:30 at night, with a belly full of food and alcohol, it was going to be a chore not to pull over and go to sleep. Why is it on the weekends we can drink and eat until the wee hours of the morning, but during the work week anything past 10PM feels like the crack of dawn is just around the corner?

The vast majority of my commute is along the NYS thruway, a four lane highway that stretches the length of NYS. They have just finished resurfacing a good portion of the Thruway, and it’s so smooth right now that it’s like driving on glass. No bumps, no pot holes or that thumpity thump of expansion joints that is so common on concrete highways. At night it’s this jet black river, without any lights, and just the yellow lines on the side to keep you from driving off the side into neverland.

The sky had some high, wispy clouds and two, parallel contrails that pierced the full moon, almost as if the moon was riding along on a pair of ethereal rail road tracks. Now, normally, I don’t recommend driving home at night, after you’ve had a few drinks, and taking your eyes off the road to stare up at the stars, but if you did, on this night, when you looked away from the moon’s glare, there were stars aplenty up in the firmament to reward you for your efforts. Again, don’t try this at home, or at least when I’m coming the other way on the road.

My Ipod served up for my listening pleasure Rush’s Red Barchetta, which just happens to be one of my favorite road songs. I turned up the volume, pushed my four cylinders for all they were worth, and raced home to my family. For a brief moment in time, it was heaven.

My Contribution to ICHC

A course observation on life

Report: Alex Rodriguez has split from wife

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080703/ap_en_ot/bba_yankees_rodriguez;_ylt=AnXHaZQIRhyeqQZbRsQCyfes0NUE

Proving once again, that for every beatiful person out there, there is someone tired of screwing them. In this case, maybe mutually tired.

Recently it was reported that A-rod was seen running around with Madonna, during the reporting of which the phrase "All the doormen are talking" was used.

Is there a place where doormen hang out and kibitz together, or some online forum or someplace else where they talk with each other? Certainly, if doormen were just standing at their posts and yelling across the street at one another, secrets wouldn't be kept for very long, and it would seem as though this form of communication might get a little old after a while. Maybe the doormen are harking back to the town crier days, yelling the news of the world to each other over the cacophony of NYC street life, when, all of a sudden, these reporters were just strolling along, minding their own business when out of the blue they hear that Madonna been shagging A-rod's fly balls.

Mmmmm, then again, maybe not.

The Column Caper

This was originally done on my 360 page. So if you read it there, you don't need to bother reading it again. Also, you may not actually want to bother reading it now, but I'll lead that up to you. Everyone thinks they can write and be funny, but not everyone can. I'm pretty sure I fall in the latter group. And in case I don't see you or hear from you, enjoy your holiday and try to stay out of jail.

One night a few of us were sitting around the fraternity house, enjoying a few brews. As luck would have it, we ran out of beer and a couple of us had to head out on a beer run.

Now, since this was during the middle of the week, and we weren’t actually drinking that much, it really wasn’t a big deal. If it had been the weekend, a beer run would have consisted of firing up the VW rabbit, dragging the treasurer out with a wad of cash and heading off to the beer distributorship, with a couple of our more burly brothers. We didn’t fuck around on the weekends when it came to beer. We had a system, it worked, and if you weren’t in the beer acquisition chain of command, you stayed the hell out of our way. On the weekends, we never ran out of beer and as I look back it, it was one of the few, true accomplishments of my term as president of the fraternity. Sure, maybe we had low expectations, but that just makes it so much easier to achieve 100% satisfaction.

Anyway, on this given evening I headed out to the local store with my roommate. There was a convenience store a few blocks up the street, and since we were really only looking for a few 6 packs, we decided to hoof it up to the store for the exercise. You know, like the 10 minute walk was really going to offset the thousands of calories we were pouring down our gullets that evening.

On the way to the store, we passed this big old mansion on Main Street that was under renovations. It was a beautiful old house, with monstrous Greek columns on the front porch. Well, normally they were on the front porch, but since the porch was undergoing a major overhaul, the columns were lying on the front lawn in nice neat rows.

Now, I don’t know about you, but I’ve seen a whole lot of these fluted columns standing up, but never lying on the ground. They looked so unusual there on the ground, so mundane, compared to the way they normal look. In hindsight, I’m not really sure what piqued my curiosity (or my buddy’s) about these columns, but something did.

We ambled up the store, spent some time comparing the intrinsic differences between various low quality alcoholic beverages, consummated our purchase and headed back. Along the way, we paused at the mansion and again were intrigued by the columns.

Now, I’m not really sure what led me to jump the short wrought iron fence and attempt to pick the end of one of the columns. In any event, what initially began as a somewhat inebriated theoretical discussion as to the weight of these columns lead to where both of us were inside the fence, had one of said columns up on one shoulder, and our beer slung under the opposite arms.

At this point, what’s a fraternity brother supposed to do, right? We were concerned that trying to place the column back on the ground may actually lead to us dropping our precious beer, which would have been a very negative outcome, at least to our perspective. We decided that the best course of action was to carry the column back to our fraternity house and employ the assistance of our bothers to rectify the situation. As we headed down Main Street, Greek revival column on one shoulder, beer swinging from the other arm, we began to sing that stupid dwarf song from Snow White “Hi ho, hi ho, it’s off to work we go…”. Once we got to the house, we managed to ring the door bell and waited patiently as our fellow brothers got their heads around the fact that at 10:30 at night there were two guys with beer and a Greek column at their door. Even for fraternities, this doesn’t happen every day.

A little while later, once all the hullabaloo settled down, we were sitting back, enjoying our hard won beers and watching the late news, when the door bell rang. There, at the front door, much to our surprise, was a member of the local law enforcement agency. Since we were all white kids from the suburbs, with a strongly ingrained respect for authority, we politely asked our fine officer what brought him to our house so late that evening. Trying to keep a straight face, the cop said to us:

“Let’s cut the bullshit. If you guys put the column in the back of my car, I’ll take it back to the house and that’s where this thing will end.”

Try as we might, we couldn’t get the 20’ wooden Greek column into the back of the dude’s cruiser. Look, I know those Ford LTD were big freaking cars, but there is a limit as to what you can put in the back of them. Bodies, yes, columns, no.

So, at about midnight, my roommate and I carried the column back to the mansion, under police escort and placed it back among it’s column mates.

And so ended the column caper, where we learned at even at 10:30 at night, people will call the cops if they see a 20’ column walking down the street.

My Submission to Graphjam

http://graphjam.com/

I hope you get it.

I think (but not too hard)

I think Obama’s going to win in the fall. It makes me sick. We have a long summer to go and there’s a lot of mud slinging still left, but I think he’s going to win. In the 60’s it was Kennedy, 20 years later was Reagan and now 20 years later I think it’s Obama time.

I think that Obama, while appearing to be lacking in international experience, is a pretty savvy politician. He’s savvy and he’s got a good team around him. In saying that, what I’m also trying to say is that when we get right down to it, Obama isn’t going to bring anything new to the table. We’ll all feel so much more special when we’re being bent over, but the end result will be the same (crude analogy? Yes. Did I make my point? I hope so).

I think that the media’s fawning over Michelle Obama is, frankly, repulsive. Which received more coverage last week, Obama or Michelle’s sun dress?

I think that raising taxes is a horrible idea. I think that redistributing wealth via increased taxes is an incredibly poor formula to improving the economy. I also don’t understand how giving congress (who, by the way, has a lower approval rating than Bush, but who’s keeping track, right?), more of our money to spend, when they have done such a poor job with what we have given them so far, is such a great idea. If someone does a poor job, do you reward them for that? Is this what they teach at Columbia and Harvard? It’s my money, I worked for it, why do I have to give more of it to the government?

I think that anyone who doesn’t recognize that conditions in Iraq are improving is not paying attention to current events. Do you know what the leading, international issue headline on the WSJ is today? Zimbabwe. How many troops do we have there? You know why there isn’t anything about Iraq? Because there isn’t anything coming out of Iraq that major media outlets consider to be news anymore.

I think, that based upon the amount of rain and sun that we have been having in Upstate NY, we’re going to have a crazy corn crop this year. This almost has to be perfect weather for growing crops.

I think that my writing really doesn’t stand up to the writing of a lot of people here. I really like the way that Jack questions people and their assumptions and I think that if I pay attention, I can learn a lot from how he does it. I like the way that Adri writes, but I’ve told her that enough, so let’s not bang that drum any more.

I think that living your life for the next big thing, the next milestone or the next shiny new object, after a while, leaves you wanting more. I’ve really come to appreciate wearing stuff out, but I’m not really sure if the rest of my family is on the same wavelength. We have a 7 year old van with 135,000 miles on it, more rest spots than a cheetah, and you know what? I really like it. It’s been around, it’s been places, you know? It’s a trusted old friend, that, just like real friends, when I really need it, it’s going to let me down.

I think it’s sad that people get more comments on their blogs when there are pictures of attractive women at the top of the blog, than when there isn’t. And then, most of the comments (from both men and women, I notice) are centered around some sort of sexual reference, rather than trying to think up of something original to say. It’s like when Heather put up the picture of her sweating at night. There were so many comments along the lines of “Hey babe, how about I come over and get all hot and sweaty with you”. Just once would someone say “Hey, you looked like crap there. Go take a shower and clean up, ‘cause I’m not all into your body odor and shit like that”? Wouldn’t that be kind of funny once in a while? Anyone can tell you that you’re pretty, not everyone can make you laugh. Or spit milk out of your nose, which is really a good skill to have, if you ask me.

I think that I’ve beat this blog to death.

Tolerance

I’ve always liked to believe that I’m a fairly tolerant person. I don’t know if that’s exactly true any longer, and I’m wondering how much it was really true in the past. Has this just been a veil that I’ve drawn across my mind to sublimate my actual feelings on certain issues?

Honestly, if we look at the biblical view of tolerance, I’m not a very tolerant person:

You have heard that it was said, 'An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.' But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.

I look at that now and wonder to myself, ok, I’ll turn the other cheek for the person, but what am I supposed to do for the next person? And the person after that and after that, and so on and so forth until I’ve reached the 100^th person that wants to strike me on the cheek. Am I intolerant if I don’t turn my cheek for them?

If a person, or a group of people, or a whole class of people, do the same thing over and over again, is it tolerance if we continue to allow them to do that, or just sheer stupidity and gullibility? Am I required to provide the same level of tolerance to the 100^th person that, in my opinion, foists the same mindless drivel on me as the pervious 99?

I’m a fiscally conservative and a moderate socially. I don’t think it’s my position to judge people and their actions (within reason) and I’ll leave it up to our Heavenly Father to make that call (yes, I’m one of those). But, am I being hypocritical if I don’t judge you but I judge your positions on certain issues? Am I being hypocritical if I pass on the fact that you’re a cross-dressing transsexual who enjoys a little necrophilia, but I think that your position that we should have universal health care is moronic?

Is it tolerance or just the fact that my social acceptance meter sinks to new lows each year? Am I more tolerant of gays now, or is it that I’m just reflecting society’s increased tolerance of them?

Why do I get defensive when people say that I’m not tolerant or that I don’t have any patience, when I always thought that I did? Is there an acceptable limit to tolerance and patience?

And, if I should turn the other cheek when someone wrongs me, am I supposed to do the same thing if someone wrongs something or someone that I hold dear? Do I continually have to turn the other cheek and hope that someday these people will come to realize that they were wrong? Or is it ok to once in a while say “You’re fucking nuts, go to hell”?

Hmmmmmm

(This was on my 360 page, and I wanted to move it here. If you've already read it there, sorry for the repitition. It's just so hard to have an original thought these days.)

Just Wondering, Part 2

Wikipedia defines that the Law of Unintended Consequences “states that any purposeful action will produce some unintended consequences.”, or, in another fashion, as “outcomes that are not (or not limited to) what the actor intended in a particular situation.”

Now, with that in mind, let’s say, just for fun, that the run up in gas prices is actually the result of a secret cover-up by Bush to “allow his old cronies to bleed us to death one more time before his time is up”. You know, that old hack by the left that, while Bush is a raging idiot and the biggest moron to ever hold the office, he none the less is smart enough, with his secret cabal of evil dooers, to manipulate the global oil market to enable his capitalist pig friends to cash in big time before he is out of office.

I know I have a small mind, but does that make him the dumbest genius or the smartest moron out there?

Anyway…

So, Bush has manipulated the global energy markets to cash in all the favors that he owes, right? But, what if, due to the Law of Unintended Consequences, as a result of this run up in energy prices, it essentially forces the American society to begin implementing a coherent energy policy, Americans consume less oil, the “auto industry finally appears willing and eager to respond by speeding production of electric vehicles and high-mileage, gasoline-electric hybrids, while substantially improving the mileage of conventional oil-powered cars.” and we really begin to address and solve global warming?

What if “It's entirely possible that a decade from now, we'll realize that this was a pivotal moment in history” and it’s all due in large part to George Bush and his evil cabal? What are the Democrats going to do then?

Or will they just make sure that Obama The Savior gets all the credit?

I'm confused

At first, I thought these were pandas. But then again, could they just be a bunch of lazy assed, spoon fed American voters?

Good luck with that

This is from Obama’s campaign website:

“Obama is the only major candidate who supports tough, direct presidential diplomacy with Iran without preconditions. Now is the time to pressure Iran directly to change their troubling behavior. Obama would offer the Iranian regime a choice. If Iran abandons its nuclear program and support for terrorism, we will offer incentives like membership in the World Trade Organization, economic investments, and a move toward normal diplomatic relations. If Iran continues its troubling behavior, we will step up our economic pressure and political isolation. Seeking this kind of comprehensive settlement with Iran is our best way to make progress.”

With that in mind, here is today’s news:

TEHRAN (AFP) - Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad predicted on Monday that Muslims would uproot "satanic powers" and repeated his controversial belief that Israel will soon disappear, the Mehr news agency reported.

"I must announce that the Zionist regime (Israel), with a 60-year record of genocide, plunder, invasion and betrayal is about to die and will soon be erased from the geographical scene," Ahmadinejad said.

"Today, the time for the fall of the satanic power of the United States has come and the countdown to the annihilation of the emperor of power and wealth has started."

So, ah, Obama, you know, good luck with that “tough, direct presidential diplomacy with Iran”, since they seem to be such reasonable people, and all that. Oh, btw, Obama? Just in case you haven’t noticed, (you have been campaigning for over two years now, so I’m sure it’s tough to keep up with details), but the US and Europe have already been offering incentives, which hasn’t done shit to change Iran’s behavior. But I’m sure that’s going to change once the Great Black Hope is in office, and, you know, once Iran buys into that whole “I’m asking you to believe” crap.

Part of me wants Obama to win, so when his new strategy with Iran eventually fails, on epic proportions, we can all sit back, toast our marshmallows over the nuclear wasteland that will be Israel, and tell the Democrats and Liberals “I told you so”.

Choices

Would you rather be hated or disliked, but right, or would you rather be loved and well regarded, but wrong?

Is it better to be a generous philanthropist, but be taken advantage of, or to be judicious with your money, and have people despise you for it?

Are you a “cuddly bear” or a fierce warrior? Or, if you’re somewhere in between, which direction do you lie and why is that better than the other?

Are you a fierce bitch (or asshole, let’s be politically correct here) with words, but shy away from physical altercations? If someone is threatening you, will you argue till your death, but never raise a hand in your defense? When is it ok to go on the offensive, to essentially say “I’m sick of your shit and your day of reckoning has come”? Or is there never a time to do that?

If you think the courts and the government has done a lousy job protecting us from the “BIG, BAD, ALL POWERFUL CORPORATIONS”, why do you want to give the government more money and more authority? If you’ve given someone a job to do, and the money to do it, and they come back to you with the job poorly done and over budget, why are you going to give them more responsibility and money?

Just wondering.

Post-it notes drive me nuts

I make post-it notes to remind myself to do those things that I didn’t want to do in the first place. If I had wanted to do them, I would have done them already and not have to be reminded to do it.

But, sometimes, post-it notes are very, very effective at reminding you of your priorities. Case in point.

You say progress, I say regression

I came across the article linked below over the weekend. I wanted to pass along, if anyone is interested. It discusses California’s supposed lead in setting tough environmental standards and the actual result of these initiatives. The article points out several brilliant examples of the law of unintended consequences resulting from governmental regulations.

What’s the real benefit of setting tough environmental standards, if no one can live up to them? Our society is blindly signing on 100% to the environmental agenda these days, but are we really going to be better off for it?

The article references the rolling brown-outs that have been affecting California for several years. Viewed another way, is that saying that California’s power infrastructure isn’t any better than Iraq’s? The third largest economy in the world, but they can’t keep the lights on during the summer? Is this progress? Instead of being bombed back to the early industrial age, are we going to be “greened” back to it?

I, for one, do not believe this is progress. And I also think this is a lesson as to what the future holds for our society as the greeners gain more and more control and clout. If you want to understand the effect of the “cap and trade” system that everyone is talking about now, do a little research on New Zealand and what they are going through right now.

I didn’t think that when the doom and gloom prophecies said the future was dark, that it was because we wouldn’t be able to afford electricity any longer.

http://www.city-journal.org/2008/18_2_californias_environmentalism.html

Today's rant

This is a long rant to something that I saw on Marylou’s page. I’m in a shitty mood today and it’s coming out in my writing

It’s funny, sad and ironic to hear someone from outside of the US saying this. Unfortunately, today I don’t have the wit, wisdom or time to craft a proper response to Gregers position. Suffice it to say, the part about “imports of certain products” is the root of so many of today’s economic problems. So, just in case everyone hasn’t been following along, here’s how a lot of very smart people think about this:

The US economy has consistently expanded for a very, very long time, even with a few minor (which we’re actually in now) downturns. But, during this long expansion, the US has consistently been importing significantly more goods and services than it has been exporting, leading to a huge trade imbalance. Part of this was the strong dollar, which made imported goods cheaper than domestically produced goods.

But, with long term trade imbalances, a lot of dollars were ending up over-seas with no way to get back here. Also, during this period of time (oh, say the last 30 – 40 years), the US has consistently run deficit spending, which increases our debt level. Now, since US debt is so attractive to everyone else, because their own countries are so screwed up, they used our own dollars from the trade imbalances to buy our own debt. Pretty neat trick, right?

So, some geniuses thought “Hey, let’s drop the value of the dollar, which will help with the trade imbalances”. It’s also devaluing trillions of dollars in US debt held overseas, but hey, let’s ignore that for now.

One of the problems that these super smart people really didn’t account for was that the US dollar is used as the basis for a huge number of foreign exchange transactions and is the primary basis for valuing a lot of commodities that are traded internationally. For example, oil.

Now, as the dollar has dropped, oil has gone up because the smart towel heads have said “Hey, those dollars you’re giving me are worth less, so I want more of them for my product”. This has driven oil up, (let’s also not forget global oil demand has skyrocketed, which is another issue), which is driving inflationary pressures in the US, which, in turn, was right when the Fed was raising interest rates to curb the inflation. But, then the credit crisis came along, so, to bail those poor, poor over-extended home owners out, we had to drop interest rates, fueling even more inflation.

All the while, we’ve been trying to kill a whole generation of terrorist that want to end our way of life, and the whole world is pissed at us because we didn’t ask their permission first. Oh, sure, they’ll blame us if we’re not the first in line to offer assistance during disasters, or when some messy political situation comes up where they don’t want to get their fingers wet. But when we want to do something to protect ourselves, they all stand up and say “Fuck you, upstarts. What do you know about the ways of the world?”

So now we have the whole world standing around saying “I hope they elect a President that’s more favorable for our best interests”, when most of us in the US look at these three and think “I wouldn’t let them run my checkbook for a month, let alone run the whole country”. Two of these idiots I seriously think that their policies will only ruin us further and the other one is a “maverick” in his own party. You know when a maverick is useful? When you’re storming the heights of an emplaced fortification, because you’re not so concerned if this maverick (who you think is a raving asshole, but everyone else loves him so you keep him around) gets blown away. Not really someone you want running your country.

Do I really care what the rest of the world wants? Fuck no. Go solve your own problems. When we fix our ship we’ll be back buying all your shit, propping up your failed governmental systems a while longer so you don’t have to face the truth about your own failing societies.

If you don’t agree with me, fine, like I really care. If you want to debate economic points, I’ll listen, but you’d better be prepared to back your shit up. I’m also not going to listen to any half assed crap about how it’s all President Bush’s fault either. We have over 500 other elected officials in Washington that haven’t done shit during the last eight years to change the road we’re on, so don’t lay it all at the feet of Bush. And the great thing is, so of these people that haven’t done anything are trying to get a better job, all at our own expense. I’m so in the wrong line of work.