I can't find if I copied this over from my 360 page or not. If I have, and you've already read this, sorry. If not, have at it. And yes, all of the basic facts in this are true, and happend last year.
I’m beginning to hate
a lot about Christmas…
Puppies and Christmas Trees – A primer
Now, of course, with a title like that, I’m sure that we could all expect a lot of laughs and giggles at the high jinks happening in our house, right? I mean, really, what could be more fun than a rambunctious puppy, a teetering / tottering Christmas tree and hundreds of family heirlooms hung with care from the branches of a dying evergreen tree? Sounds like some stupid Chevy Chase movie, right? Well, not exactly. All you happy suburbanites, please take note of this following tale of woe.
Last evening we’re all sitting around in the house in the Christmas mood. That is to say, we were all pissed off at each other. What? Like this is any different than your house the week before Christmas.
Our tree is set up in our living room, in front of the big bay windows. We do this to make it easier for the home invaders to figure out which room to break into. We like to think of it as that giving spirit that we’re all supposed to be infused with at this time of the year. We give our money to the stores, the “downtrodden” break into our house to steal gifts to feed their drug problems and the insurance companies give us money back for those gifts we really didn't want in the first place. It's the Christmas Circle of Life, or something like that.
Anyway…
My wife and I are in the family room and she’s reading to me the latest honey dripping, lovey dovey e-mail that women seem to like passing around at this time of the year. I’m on my work laptop, surreptitiously trying to surf for porn. What? You really think your husband's looking up his stocks on a Saturday night? Pa-lease. He's trying to find pictures of Santa's naughty helpers wearing thigh high red fishnet stockings and who are doing things with an oversized candy cane which will certianly land her on the naughty list. Those are the kind of elves we like.
Where was I? Oh, yea, the dog.
All of a sudden, without any warning, the puppy starts yelping and howling and comes bolting out of the living room. He's running so fast I think his ass is in front of his face, like in the cartoons. Before we can get out of the lazy chair, he’s high tailed it down into the basement and is hiding behind a couch down there, shaking and quivering like a leaf in a wind storm.
Being a loving family, we all rush down and crowd around him to try to figure out what’s wrong. There’s no blood, nothing broken, nothing jagged, there is nothing lodged in his paws or in his mouth, so it’s kind of a mystery as to what happened. After a few minutes, I head up to the tree to see that could have happened.
As I’m up there, my youngest daughter and her friend come back into the room to watch TV again. I asked her if she knew what happened, and she replied “no, he was just under the tree”.
I looked under the tree and I don’t see anything. I’m still looking around and she mentions she had just cleaned up one of the bulbs that he had gotten a hold of. You mean one of the ornaments?, I aked.
No, one of the light bulbs, she answers, a little ticked off. I guess I was interrupting whatever critical show was on TV at that point. Well excuse me.
I start looking at the bottom of the tree, when I noticed one of the light sockets was missing a bulb. Actually, on this strand of bulbs, there were five or six sockets that were missing bulbs.
And then I found it. A wet, empty socket on the strand of lights, that had the power on.
The stupid fucking dog almost electrocuted himself right under the Christmas tree. Now that would have been a Christmas that we would all remember!
I promptly announced my findings to the rest of the family, at which point they all started to fuss over our Not-Going-To-Make-It-To-His-First-Birthday-If-He-Keeps-This-Shit-Up puppy.
With the need for my keep powers of observation past, I returned to my lazy-boy, grabbed my beer and returned to surfing the net for porn.
Ahh, who doesn’t love the Christmas season.
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