Smells like Victory.....

I spent a lot of time in the garden weeding this weekend. What a complete waste of time. I sprayed everything the night before with Weed-B-gone and then went through and pulled up every speck of green crap that I could find. By the end of the week even more shit will be growing back in the exact same place as before.

That’s why I’ve decided to change my preferred weed control method. From now on, I’ll be using napalm. Sure, it might sound a little drastic at the beginning, might not be the most environmental sensitive solution (like spraying some other unknown chemical that Ortho says I should go through a full decon after using is any better) but hang with me for a second here.

One application of napalm will solve all of my problems. I wouldn’t have to wait for the plant to die and then have to pull it up, oh no, see, after just one application of weed-palm (I’m working on trade marking that, so don’t get any ideas, buster) there’s nothing left but charred ground. Just spread your mulch and move on.

Also, the small mushroom cloud that appears after using weed-palm is very effective in taking out bugs, bees, birds and low flying para-gliders. Are you having problems with rabbits in your garden? Don’t worry, there won’t be anything left for the little buggers to eat. And, if you time your ignition properly, there might be a little roast hare for dinner as well (Weed-palm removes all the nasty fur and perfectly grills the skin, so there’s almost no preparation necessary).

Got problems with your neighbors? Well, I’m sure that you’ll be able to figure out how to utilize Weed-Palm to solve that problem too. And remember, at least according to Robert Duvall in Apocalypse Now, the smell of napalm in the morning is the smell of victory. So not only will your garden completely scorched, you’ll feel as if you’ve achieved a lasting victory in the age old battle against Mother Nature.

Disclaimer: Failure to properly use Weed-Palm may result in your neighborhood looking like downtown Bagdad. Not for use around small children, unless of course, they’re from that really annoying family down the street, then “Flame On!”, dude. Use of Weed-Palm may be illegal in your town, city, state, country and generally be banned by the U.N. (like who cares on that one, right?), unless you’re the US Military. But hey, you’re a real man, so don’t let little technicalities hold you back. Available at your local armory.

P.S. – For the guys in the dark suits that are watching and listening to everything we do, this is just a joke. No terrorists here, so don’t get your panties all in a bunch. But, if you think with your connections you can score me a little napalm for my garden, we'll just keep it between us, okey dokey?